Yesterday was my official 2-week post-op checkup. It was super fast, probably since I had already seen my doctor last week and asked her the long list of questions I'd been gathering. 

No joke... At last week's appointment, The Husband handed me my phone when she said "Do you have any questions?" because he knew I'd been making notes since the day we came home from the hospital. There were no less than 12 questions on my list. I was an anxious mess. 

Fast was good, I suppose, because it means that everything is going well. My hormone levels have dropped to 18, so they still drew blood because Dr. Bomb.com said she wants to follow it through to zero. Just to make sure the pregnancy is gone. That hit me more than I thought it would. I've been so focused on how to move forward, that I really didn't give myself a lot of time to consider that this really was the end of a pregnancy. One that we'd been hoping for. One that we were very happy about. So yeah. That sucked. 

Otherwise, I'm healing like I should. My incision sites all look good. Well, except for the fact that I just added 3 additional scars to my abdomen... After my appendectomy back in 2009, which left 3 scars, this surgery left 3 more. Basically I won't be wearing a two-piece swim suit anytime soon! But who am I kidding... I stopped wearing those after I had a baby anyway. So that's really not too big a loss. 

She did tell me, again, that I need to continue to take it easy, and to not do much "strenuous" activity. To which I chuckled, because well... I have an almost 2-year old who is VERY active. So that's funny. I have gained close to 10 pounds since surgery and my "taking it easy". Inactivity is not good for my soul. So I will not go crazy... But this girl needs to get moving again. I have to go back to see Dr. Bomb.com again in 4 weeks. I really hope at that point she says I'm a perfect picture of health and can go back to life as normal. That would be super nice to hear. 

If you're at all curious... I did ask her when we could start trying again. This is such a foreign process to me, clearly, so maybe my new found knowledge can help someone or at least answer possibly peaked curiousities. Since I lost the pregnancy, I have to wait for the hormone levels to go back to normal, and my body has to get back to functioning like a regular non-pregnant woman. After I have my first post-op period, that will indicate that my body is back in working order. Dr. Bomb.com said this could take anywhere from 4-6 weeks. But after that happens, that means I am ovulating again, and we can start trying again. So please say lots of prayers for my speedy recovery internally and externally. I am really bad at being patient. This is something I'm working on daily throughout this process. 

It's easy to dwell on what's happened and to let the negative thoughts creep in and take over. It's easy to get jealous of pregnant women, if for no other reason than I was happily pregnant and now I am not. My super positive attitude has started to dwindle, and it's not been a fun last few days. Putting on a brave face is a lot harder than I realized it'd be. But I am trying. I wake up and read Proverbs 31:25 every morning (because I have it written on my bathroom mirror). Then I go wake up Little P and give her a big big hug. Focusing on her happiness is the best medicine, and I feel insanely blessed that I was given the gift of being her mom before this happened. That's a privilege that not every woman in my position is able to experience. 

So for the next 4-weeks, I have a few things I am focusing on:

1. My health. I am starting a plant based diet based on the book "The 22-Day Revolution". Today was Day 1. Working from the inside out to help myself (and my family) to make healthier choices about what we are putting in our bodies. 

2. Finding time to exercise. I used to be a swimmer. I love swimming. I am making it a goal to make my fitness a priority, and to swim 5-days a week. The follow through is my biggest challenge. 

3. Business. A while ago my sister and I decided to start a business. We got some of the framework done, then we both started working full time again and it fell to the wayside. Now that I have some time to focus my energy on that, I'm getting it back up and running. 

4. My faith. I have an app on my phone called SheReadsTruth. It's a bible study app. I plan to tackle a few of these over the next 4 weeks. 

5. My family. I am so grateful for the little family that I have. I am going to put even more effort into making sure we are spending as much quality time together as possible. A big part of this for me will be to limit technology. Put the phones away. We'll see how this goes! 

As always, thank you for reading and being a part of this journey with me. My support system is the best out there. 

What a difference a week can make!

It's been a little over a week since my surgery. Let's say, a week and a half. Over the holiday weekend, I started experiencing some pain on my right side, similar to a "side stitch" cramp. I was also **skip this sentence if you are not a fan of TMI** passing a lot of blood clots, which started to worry me. The pain + the bleeding was worrisome enough that we decided to call the doctor and get in to be seen first thing Monday.

Went through the full gambit of testing... Urine sample, blood work, ultrasound.

Kind of a funny side note: I made a semi-dark joke to the husband about how I love this one particular nurse at my OB's office because she is so good at drawing blood. "You know you're in a doctor's office too much when...."

My "real" post-op appointment isn't until July 13, because my doctor wanted to see me two weeks out. But with the pain, bleeding, and the fact that husband is about to go out of town for 5 days, I wanted to be seen just in case. Better safe than sorry is a mantra I've adopted since becoming a Mom, and it definitely applied here.

So after the tests and whatnot were complete, I had the chance to talk to my doctor. There are about a million reasons why I love my OB, but first and foremost, she just makes me more comfortable and at ease than any other doctor I've had. That's a huge deal for someone like me who avoids doctors at all cost because visits to the doctor make me squeamish in general. She came in and delivered us some pretty great news. The best we could hear after this kind of procedure.

First, everything is progressing and healing normally and as to be expected. I am really sensitive to pain meds, so I usually stick to Ibuprofen, regardless of what I've just had done (after I gave birth and was only taking Motrin, I was pretty sure the nurses at the hospital thought I was insane). I'm just not a huge fan of how I feel on pain meds either, so I try to avoid the really intense ones. Anyway - this is why I am feeling pain. Most people take Codeine, which I have here at home, just haven't taken yet. So a heating pad and a bit more rest than I have been giving myself, and I should be totally fine.

Second, my right fallopian tube looks completely healthy and normal, as do both of my ovaries. YAY!! This is the best part. Because this means that, even though it may take a bit longer than before this go around, we can still get pregnant on our own!! WOO HOO!! I was imagining every worst case scenario possible, and probably spending way too much time Googling post-ectopic info... So this was really uplifting to hear. Dr. Bomb.com told me several stories of truly amazing things she has seen in women who have had ectopic pregnancies. And (as my husband said) to quote Jurassic Park, "Life will always find a way!"

Third, we found out that we don't have to wait as long as I thought we would to start TTC (trying to conceive) again! Again, good news. Since this pregnancy was very much planned and wanted, I am ready to get this show on the road and start trying again. To which Dr. Bomb.com gave Matt a little high five, because, yay for him... ;)

Another thing that she did, which I really appreciated in a weird way, was bring in and show me the pictures of my ectopic. It was insane. Really, truly, the craziest and scariest thing I've ever seen. Made me appreciate modern medicine and my ability to access it SO MUCH more. Imagine a cocktail straw with a blueberry stuck in the end... That's what it looked like. She told me that there was 50 cc's of blood in my stomach/uterus (that's about a cup 1/2). Not good - that's not good! I appreciated this, because it made me realize that this pregnancy was not viable no matter what... And that in that moment, the focus was on keeping me safe. Knowing all of this really helps me to move past it and look towards the future.

Next week I am supposed to have my two week post-op appointment, and then will have another in 4-weeks just to see how things are going. I am anxious to see how my healing is progressing. I know that I may be feeling better on the outside, and that the inside still has a ways to go. But I am looking forward with positivity, with faith, and with the utmost trust in God that he's got this. He knows the desires of my heart, and knowing that is what's keeping a smile on my face.

I am hugging Little P and the husband pretty tight these days. Feeling so beyond thankful for my many blessings.


Proverbs 31:25

Dealing with Life: Reliving THE Ectopic Moment.

When I decided to make the Facebook post to share my experience, even though it was quickly following my surgical procedure, I did put a lot of thought to it. I have always felt like if I can use social media for good, that's what I would like to do. Even if that means sharing a not so good situation, maybe it could help someone else.

The outpouring of love and support meant so much to me, and probably helped in my immediate healing more than I can even realize. But what really struck me, was the messages that I received of women who have been in my life over the years, some that I still actively keep in touch with, some that have become "Facebook friends" only. Regardless, these messages were of friends openly sharing their experiences with miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or infertility. I cannot thank these friends enough, because their messages spoke so loudly and positively. This is not a situation that is openly discussed often enough. Which I would have never thought until I had been through it. But now I feel like I need to share my experiences, if anything, just to let whomever reads this know that they are not alone.

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It's been rough. I would be lying if I said otherwise. It has not been easy. But not in the ways that you might think.

I have been mourning a loss, but a different kind of loss. In a very weird way, I feel blessed that I only had a week to celebrate a new pregnancy. That's it. We found out we were pregnant on Saturday, June 20. I was having surgery on Saturday, June 27. One week. That doesn't mean that I am not mourning the loss of life, because I feel very strongly that the loss of life is extremely sad no matter how new it may be. We told our families about the pregnancy. We told a few very close friends. I had definitely started getting into "pregnancy mode" and started to dig up the old "What to Expect..." book, the "Cooking for Pregnancy" book, The Tracy Anderson: The Pregnancy Project DVD's... But that was all in a span of 7 days. That's the amount of time I had to connect with this pregnancy. So for that, I feel blessed.

I also feel extremely blessed that I am still alive. While we were sitting in the ER at Baylor McKinney, the attending doctor had just left the room after explaining the situation and letting us know that she had called my OB, and that Dr. Bomb.com (yes - that's what I refer to her as in my head) was on her way. A different ER doctor came in the room, and gave Matt and I both a very sobering "come to Jesus" moment. He told us, "yes, this is sad. I understand that this was a desired pregnancy and that you will need time to grieve. However - you are bleeding internally. This is a life threatening situation. You are still here right now, and that is the most important thing." ............... Cue the end of tears. It was not about the loss of life at that point. Not the embryo's life, at least. It was about the potential loss of MY life. That I was on the verge of hemorrhaging, and that I was literally being prepped to go into the OR within minutes of the discovery.

The loss that I have been dealing with, the one that is making this a more than difficult challenge to tackle, is the loss of my fallopian tube. Weird? Maybe. But it's something that I quite literally took for granted. Never in a million years would I think that I'd be crying because I was now missing my left fallopian tube. But as a woman who still very much desires more children, this is an incredibly scary thing. It's all I can think about. What does this mean for us now? Will this hurdle be so challenging that we can never jump over it? Will Parker end up an only child? What are our options moving forward?

So many unknowns...

If you know me, you probably know that I don't deal well in "unknowns". I am, by nature, a control freak. I like to have things planned out. I write To-Do Lists with time stamps. I'm a bit of a crazy person in that way. So this pregnancy was "perfect" in my eyes... Little P and this potential sibling would have been exactly 2.5 years apart. Which is JUST what I wanted. Now? No clue. NO IDEA what the future holds. If we will be able to get pregnant again easily, with great difficulty, or if ever.

That's the loss that I am mourning. What once was something that should have come easily, has now been taken away from me. Or at least been made so that no one can really tell us what our odds are. That's a scary ground to walk on for me, let's be real. It's been a true struggle for me to trust in God's plan, and let go of my own.

I named this blog "Clothed in Strength" because this is the verse that I have been trying to live my life by every day since I came home from the hospital.

"Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come." Proverbs 31:25

There are many translations of this. But here's my take... I want to be known for my character. Despite what my clothing may look like, I want to be known as a woman who wears my strength and honor on my sleeve. I don't want someone to walk away thinking "Man, her dress was so cute!" I want someone to walk away thinking "Wow, she speaks with such truth about her faith." And then, I would like to live so faithfully in my trust in the Lord that I do not fear the future. That I will "rejoice in time to come." That I know he has a plan, and that I can trust fully in that plan. His plan is never to harm me, even though I may not understand the obstacles that are put in my path.

Stay tuned for updates. I will try to keep an open dialogue about my journey post-op and beyond. Thank you for reading and being a part of this with me.