Dealing with Life: Reliving THE Ectopic Moment.

When I decided to make the Facebook post to share my experience, even though it was quickly following my surgical procedure, I did put a lot of thought to it. I have always felt like if I can use social media for good, that's what I would like to do. Even if that means sharing a not so good situation, maybe it could help someone else.

The outpouring of love and support meant so much to me, and probably helped in my immediate healing more than I can even realize. But what really struck me, was the messages that I received of women who have been in my life over the years, some that I still actively keep in touch with, some that have become "Facebook friends" only. Regardless, these messages were of friends openly sharing their experiences with miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or infertility. I cannot thank these friends enough, because their messages spoke so loudly and positively. This is not a situation that is openly discussed often enough. Which I would have never thought until I had been through it. But now I feel like I need to share my experiences, if anything, just to let whomever reads this know that they are not alone.

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It's been rough. I would be lying if I said otherwise. It has not been easy. But not in the ways that you might think.

I have been mourning a loss, but a different kind of loss. In a very weird way, I feel blessed that I only had a week to celebrate a new pregnancy. That's it. We found out we were pregnant on Saturday, June 20. I was having surgery on Saturday, June 27. One week. That doesn't mean that I am not mourning the loss of life, because I feel very strongly that the loss of life is extremely sad no matter how new it may be. We told our families about the pregnancy. We told a few very close friends. I had definitely started getting into "pregnancy mode" and started to dig up the old "What to Expect..." book, the "Cooking for Pregnancy" book, The Tracy Anderson: The Pregnancy Project DVD's... But that was all in a span of 7 days. That's the amount of time I had to connect with this pregnancy. So for that, I feel blessed.

I also feel extremely blessed that I am still alive. While we were sitting in the ER at Baylor McKinney, the attending doctor had just left the room after explaining the situation and letting us know that she had called my OB, and that Dr. Bomb.com (yes - that's what I refer to her as in my head) was on her way. A different ER doctor came in the room, and gave Matt and I both a very sobering "come to Jesus" moment. He told us, "yes, this is sad. I understand that this was a desired pregnancy and that you will need time to grieve. However - you are bleeding internally. This is a life threatening situation. You are still here right now, and that is the most important thing." ............... Cue the end of tears. It was not about the loss of life at that point. Not the embryo's life, at least. It was about the potential loss of MY life. That I was on the verge of hemorrhaging, and that I was literally being prepped to go into the OR within minutes of the discovery.

The loss that I have been dealing with, the one that is making this a more than difficult challenge to tackle, is the loss of my fallopian tube. Weird? Maybe. But it's something that I quite literally took for granted. Never in a million years would I think that I'd be crying because I was now missing my left fallopian tube. But as a woman who still very much desires more children, this is an incredibly scary thing. It's all I can think about. What does this mean for us now? Will this hurdle be so challenging that we can never jump over it? Will Parker end up an only child? What are our options moving forward?

So many unknowns...

If you know me, you probably know that I don't deal well in "unknowns". I am, by nature, a control freak. I like to have things planned out. I write To-Do Lists with time stamps. I'm a bit of a crazy person in that way. So this pregnancy was "perfect" in my eyes... Little P and this potential sibling would have been exactly 2.5 years apart. Which is JUST what I wanted. Now? No clue. NO IDEA what the future holds. If we will be able to get pregnant again easily, with great difficulty, or if ever.

That's the loss that I am mourning. What once was something that should have come easily, has now been taken away from me. Or at least been made so that no one can really tell us what our odds are. That's a scary ground to walk on for me, let's be real. It's been a true struggle for me to trust in God's plan, and let go of my own.

I named this blog "Clothed in Strength" because this is the verse that I have been trying to live my life by every day since I came home from the hospital.

"Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come." Proverbs 31:25

There are many translations of this. But here's my take... I want to be known for my character. Despite what my clothing may look like, I want to be known as a woman who wears my strength and honor on my sleeve. I don't want someone to walk away thinking "Man, her dress was so cute!" I want someone to walk away thinking "Wow, she speaks with such truth about her faith." And then, I would like to live so faithfully in my trust in the Lord that I do not fear the future. That I will "rejoice in time to come." That I know he has a plan, and that I can trust fully in that plan. His plan is never to harm me, even though I may not understand the obstacles that are put in my path.

Stay tuned for updates. I will try to keep an open dialogue about my journey post-op and beyond. Thank you for reading and being a part of this with me.